Who can negotiate a better real estate deal when buying a house—women or men?
While men might assume they’re the masters of wheeling and dealing on a house (and much more), some research suggests that women might be more naturally gifted at hammering out favorable terms.
“The myth or misconception is the belief that negotiation is all about toughness, the bark and bite,” says Cindy Watson, attorney and author of “The Art of Feminine Negotiation.” The reality, however, is that 5 of the 6 key skill sets that make and mark the most effective negotiators are traits that most people would consider feminine.
What’s more, when it comes to a house hunt, women seem to be calling more of the shots, with one study from Harvard Business Review finding that women pick which home to buy in 91% of transactions.
“Studies breaking down gender roles in residential real estate show women leading in most areas of the homebuying process, including problem recognition, information search, how much to pay, and final decision,” says Watson. As such, they may be better equipped from the get-go to come to the negotiation table prepared.
While women may innately possess more of the skills that could make them the secret weapon in negotiating a fantastic real estate deal, the good news is that anyone—male, female, or otherwise—can learn to use these tactics effectively. Here’s some advice to keep in mind.
The ‘deadly sins’ of negotiating a real estate deal
To begin, Watson says that women are less likely to engage in the “deadly sins of negotiation.” They are the things you want to leave at home before heading into a real estate negotiation:
Ego: This can show up as a need to win, the need to look good, an inability to admit you don’t know something, or simply talking too much.
Attachment: This could appear in the form of clinging to the idea of getting the deal sealed in your favor, to the point that you continue to bargain after it no longer makes sense.
Reactivity: Getting angry or otherwise reactive in bargaining will cause you to lose objectivity and equilibrium and make you less likely to make rational, informed decisions.
Not listening: Active listening is a key to effective negotiation—and women are typically better at this skill.
Jumping straight to business: Men are more likely to jump straight to business without building the necessary connection and trust to increase influence.
“Whenever you find yourself making a negotiation all about you, stop and push reset,” says Watson. “Turning your attention to the needs and perspectives of the other party will always get you further.”
Effective ways to negotiate a real estate deal
At this point, you’re ready to learn to negotiate using six traits that experts regularly bring into play: assertiveness, rapport, empathy, flexibility, intuition, and trust.
Watson has created a simple mnemonic to help you remember these key skills.
“Just think you ‘ARE FIT’ to be a great negotiator,” says Watson, who explains how each skill could play out in classically masculine and feminine negotiating styles—and how to flip the script, if needed.
Assertiveness
“Assertiveness is the only skill of the sextuplet that is considered to be a masculine trait, but that belief is based on a mistaken conflation of aggressive with assertive, and they are not the same thing,” says Watson. “Assertive does not mean being tough for the sake of being tough, or any other misguided sense of boldness or forcefulness. It means being confident and self-assured, holding the line when required.”
That confidence comes, in part, from knowledge, which comes from putting the work in and being prepared.
Masculine approach: Imagine an aggressive negotiator was trying to haggle on the price of an offer.
He might say something like, “This property is a dump and needs a lot of work. Heck, I’ll probably have to bulldoze the place. You can’t possibly expect to get what you’re asking.”
Feminine approach: You can hold firm—or be assertive—on the bottom line while still bringing empathy, respect, and compassion to the table.
A feminine negotiator might more successfully say something like, “I can see why you love this property. There was obviously much care and attention put into this house. I’d appreciate the chance to bring another generation of love to it. Unfortunately, my situation only allows me to go up to this amount of money.”
Rapport
Building rapport is all about relationship.
“Women were required to develop this skill in a world where for too long they had fewer rights,” says Watson. “Our very survival depended on becoming adept at developing relationships.”
Masculine approach: A male negotiator is likely to just jump straight to business, talking about the offer/numbers, but that approach might mean losing opportunities for a better deal that could come from getting to know the person on the other side of the table.
Feminine approach: At the outset of the negotiation, a feminine negotiation technique would be to try to break the ice with “safe” small talk not related to the real estate transaction at hand. Find a shared experience or element of common ground, and use the other person’s name early in the conversation, while also trying to inject humor, offering a genuine compliment, or asking some variation of “tell me about yourself.”
A successful negotiator is also more likely to pay attention to body language and will personally try to maintain a relaxed open posture, leaning slightly toward the other person while maintaining eye contact.
Also effective is using “mirroring techniques” such as subtly mimicking the other person’s body language, tone of voice, pace, and word choices. This makes your “opponents” more comfortable and feeling like you understand them.
Empathy
“Empathy is the art of being able to put yourself in the shoes of another person, the capacity to understand another’s feelings from their frame of reference, to show compassion, sympathy, concern, and consideration,” says Watson. “Studies seem to support that women have higher capacities to recognize what others are thinking and to respond appropriately.”
For that reason, Watson says that truly understanding the other party’s perspective and motivation is a powerful tool in any negotiation.
Masculine approach: Imagine the person selling the home is an elderly woman who just lost her husband. A brusque negotiator might not care what the circumstances are as long as he gets his desired numbers and terms.
Feminine approach: In this same scenario, a feminine negotiator would consider the fear, attachment, and potential reactivity of the widow. She would empathize with her situation and ask questions that might reveal that fetching the highest-priced offer pales in comparison to this widow’s fear of change, or losing the many fond memories she has in the house. At that point, a feminine negotiator might propose alternatives that could meet those needs, like a longer closing so the widow could take her time packing.
Flexibility
The ability to be flexible—able to change, pivot, or bend as necessary—is important to both the process and outcome of any given negotiation.
“Flexibility is typically an area where women excel. Some would say this is out of necessity,” says Watson. “The need to juggle many balls at the same time, to multitask in multiple areas, all makes us well-equipped to bring flexible approaches to life and negotiations, and to adapt as may be required in any given situation.”
Masculine approach: Imagine that the sellers advise they can’t meet the closing date. A masculine negotiator would say, “I don’t care, make it work,” and insist on meeting the contractual close, threaten legal consequences, and say this will put the deal at risk.
Feminine approach: In the same scenario, a negotiator might be open to a different closing date—and negotiate additional perks or benefits as a result. For instance, she might say, “If I move forward closing by a week, might you be open to hiring a professional cleaning service for the house before I move in?”
Intuition
The ability to rely on strong instinct, to read your counterpart, and to pick up on cues—both verbal and nonverbal—in negotiations is a valuable tool.
Masculine approach: Imagine a real estate deal where there are quick decisions that need to be made when multiple offers are on the table. A classically masculine negotiator might take his sweet time submitting a counteroffer, not picking up on signs that a home seller is desperate to close as soon as possible. As a result, he could lose the deal to a competing buyer who offers a quick close.
Feminine approach: This is all about picking up subtle signals from the seller. For example, a negotiator might get the strong sense that the seller urgently needs the money and wants a quick close. As a result, this homebuyer might suggest a counteroffer that bumps up the closing date as early as feasible while holding firm on her price. If her intuition is correct, she could get the deal over someone who offered more money and a later closing date—all simply because she was able to read between the lines.
Trust
Justified or not, Watson says, the reality is that people tend to trust women more in negotiations.
“Perhaps it’s because we’ve not been [historically] regarded as threats,” says Watson. “Or perhaps it’s because women are typically considered to be more open with their emotions, which is perceived as transparency and candor.”
Whatever the rationale, trust is a definite asset in any negotiation.
Masculine approach: Since a more masculine negotiator might hold his cards tight to his chest, he might not mention how much loves the home seller’s patio furniture. But what if the home seller didn’t care for that furniture and had hoped to leave it behind? In this case, both the home seller and buyer lose out, all because they didn’t trust each other enough to loosen up and mention the furniture.
Feminine approach: A negotiator might mention how much she loves the patio furniture—or the home sellers might mention how they’d prefer to leave it behind. In either case, it could mean that the patio furniture ends up as a sweet parting gift all because you treated these home sellers the way we all want to be treated—like people rather than a transaction.
As Watson says, “Whenever possible, bring human connection to the equation.”
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